Here is a school paper I wrote about my own journey towards finding psychological maturity. I think that the premise of the essay also relates to the fallacies of religion as well, and that as such it seems relevant, especially with growing tensions regarding theological differences.

Spoiler warning:


Life Balance



I would say that one of the most dangerous combinations of traits for an individual to possess would be inexperience and a lack of direction. If those things are compounded by delusions and magical thinking, then a lot of tragedy is sure to ensue. Unfortunately, there are many young people who end up going off on various vision quests in pursuit of unrealistic ideals. The reasons are as unique as the individuals, but I’m fairly sure that one of the core causes is the same in all cases: trying to find an easier way out of a common predicament. That predicament is this: how does a young person actually become an adult?

When I was seventeen years old, I was so terrified of having to become an adult that I basically lost my mind. I became frantic over the physical pretenses of reaching adulthood. For me, those attributes were strength and overall toughness. So I began lifting weights and taking lots of bodybuilding supplements. I thought that if I looked muscular enough then it would solve any adult problem I might have to face. This was of course a very immature perception of life, but the advertisements in the bodybuilding magazines showed a lot of smiling faces and over-developed physiques, so I decided that was the answer to everything.

I also decided that I needed to find a perfect woman, a very attractive one that would make me look even more accomplished and formidable in the game of life. This was necessary so that nobody could get too close or place me under too much scrutiny. I would have big muscles, and a perfect wife, and that would take care of any problem I might have to face. So, in other words, I had everything backwards: I wanted all of the end results of hard work given to me up front so that I could avoid having to do the aforementioned hard work.

That was my vision quest. Other young people might do it differently. Their ideals might lead them to a hippie commune that believes in world peace, or a militia group that wants to throw a wrench into the Machine. But I think that the underlying reason for this kind of behavior is the same in most cases. It’s kind of like an unspoken cry into the unknown: “There has got to be an easier way to do this, because it just looks too hard.” I’m pretty sure that’s what it is, because I would have moments of lucidity where I would consider the stark alternative; that maybe I needed to live a normal life, get a normal job, work hard every day, and just hope for the best. When that would happen, I would do whatever I could to push those thoughts as far back into my subconscious as I could, because I did not like the prospect of letting go of all of my magical thinking and the dreams I had of an easy, glamorous life.

The reality is of course that we all have to work hard every day and have a little faith. Even then, there are no guarantees. It’s taken me thirteen years to fully accept that, and yet, it’s a relief in a way. The reason I say that is because it’s actually very difficult to hold on to magical thinking. Deep down inside, there is a voice of reason shouting into the abyss that this cannot possibly work! But you fight it, and the end result of this daily battle is a very unhealthy mental state. Some people make a living by lying to others, and I am guessing that maybe they have to lie to themselves a little bit to make that work. But it can’t be easy, and I guess that’s why they say that there is no rest for the wicked.

So, after all of that rigmarole, I’ve finally drawn the conclusion that constant vigilance is really the only path to lasting success. There is no perfect system that will always make things more convenient or provide a foolproof course of action in any circumstance. Like the Sorcerer’s apprentice, we can’t depend on magical brooms to clean up our mess, because they will run amok as soon as we turn away. Like the physicist that is constantly rewriting his formulas, we have to continuously re-evaluate our reality and make new choices that fit our ever changing perceptions. Long term goals should be upheld, but praying that the same routine will always lead to their fruition is asking for catastrophe. So in that regard, I would add that flexibility is probably just as important as diligent perseverance when it comes to finding any lasting foundation of success. We only have so much control over external events in our lives, and we have to be able to adapt to new situations. If we are too proud and try to stay rigid when the tides are already too high, we will break.

All in all, I have to say that I am glad I went through my strange, longwinded vision quest. I’m glad because it gave me a lot of insight into how personal ideals and great dreams can be twisted into very sick and desperate crusades. At the worst part of my own mental illness, the bodybuilding supplements were beginning to affect my mind in a very manic way bordering on paranoid schizophrenia, and I’m lucky that I didn’t end up in the back of a police cruiser while I was running around telling everyone about how strong I would become. It was all very silly, but it could have been very serious. I hope that through the communicational benefits of the internet, more and more people around the world might begin to think and see in a more practical fashion. I hope also, that they can get over their own emotional and psychological road blocks, but it really does take a long time.

In a nutshell, I don’t have a perfect system that I rely on for studying my lessons or completing my assignments. I just DO IT ASAP. I wish I had been able to think so clearly when I was younger because it really does give someone peace of mind to have their work out of the way before having fun. Then I can get back to my old school video games and play them on my lovely projector without anything tugging at the back of my mind. So maybe I messed up my life when I was younger, but I can look back at it now and laugh, so I guess that’s pretty cool.
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